Saturday, December 3, 2011

What a Beautiful Head!

I haven’t been in the writing mood lately. Well, I really am not a prolific writer. I only write when inspiration strikes—good thing I’m not an employed/paid writer ‘cause I would really suck at it—I won’t be able to meet my deadlines. I been trying hard to force my self to write—face the computer, write and delete, revise what I’ve written so far, and wait for the inspiration to come. I’m a disturbed guy. A lot of things have been going in my head. I sit for hours in front of the computer but it seems that the Muses are not around to guide these days—or, they’re around but I am so preoccupied that they’re unable to influence me.

Why the preoccupation? For those who don’t know me personally, I am someone who is always thinking. I am always disturbed and I am always distracted. One may see me having fun, enjoying stuff, and sharing a laugh but inside I am thinking. There are instances that I disconnect my self. I get sucked up by my mental black hole every now and then. I sometimes would tell my friends, jokingly, that I am solving an equation in my head.
What’s going on in my head? I am thinking about the future—sometimes—rarely, I don’t really plan and anticipate the future. I am also thinking about politics and the country, personal stuff, Q’s & A’s, and silly and unimportant things.

What about the future? What about politics? What are these questions? What are these personal stuff and what are these silly and unimportant things?

Though I choose to live and enjoy the days as they come, I won’t deny that I get anxious about the future. What does Numerology say? What does the future hold for me? Christmas is fast approaching, should I expect presents? The year is ending, would 2012 be a good year? Is 2012 the end of times? If the world does not end next year, I am turning a year older in January, should I expect more presents?

The mid-season finales of my favorite shows have left me guessing.  What would happen in the next episodes of MerlinNikitaand Supernatural? Is Bobby Singer dead for good? Could The Big Bang Theory,  2 Broke Girls, and Threesome get any funnierWhat will happen in the third season finale of HBO's HungWhat should I expect in the what if? episode of Grey’s Anatomy? How would things end in the final season of Desperate Housewives? How are they going to portray the Third Servile War in Spartacus: Blood and Sand’s second season and sequel, Spartacus: Vengeance?

The past days has also got me concerned about the country. Would the Philippines get any better or would it worsen? Would President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo—I’m a big fan, I prefer to call her president— be able to get treatment outside the country? Would they be able to prove her guilt? I doubt it. Would the country’s economy get any stronger? Should I exile my self from the country and return when PNoy’s term has ended?

Should I start looking for a regular day job, just in case things turn out more unfavorable? Do I have to find a regular day job even though, I think, I can substantially earn doing freelance home-based jobs and part-time jobs? Are part-time jobs and freelance jobs enough for me?  Would I be able to find my dream job?

Another thing, the Italian language has been bugging me. It seems to me that I haven’t learned anything. Hey, I’ve learned a lot but I need more practice—I need to talk to Italians so that I don’t forget the words. Would I be able to use those words? Have I acquired an extensive vocabulary? Is my grammar good or bad? Would I be able to claim that parlo bene italiano or, better yet, parlo molto bene italiano? Would I be able to master the language? Would I learn another language after Italian? 

Il mio dizionario e libro di testo.
Thinking of a good topic to write has also been very taxing. What should I write about? What would be my next post? Will I be able to write a post very soon? I have a lot of ideas, good ideas to write, don't know which to write first. 

Lastly, I’m thinking greatly about my mother and my siblings. What’s going inside their minds? What is my mother thinking about, after she found out about my ef**** father’s indiscretion? Should I pretend not to care and let them (my parents) figure things out or let them kill each other? Should I step up, being the eldest, and confront my father? Should my brothers and I gang up on him? Should we kick our father out? Honestly, I, as a kid, wished that I'd find out that I have a half-brother that I can bully and befriend later or later than later—I watch a lot of TV—it's a different story. 
Now that I’ve mentioned my father it seems that I’ve lost the drive to write. I’ve been waiting for inspiration to strike—reading one blog post to Jasmin’s post to another post—and now that I found the impetus to write, I had to lose it to my cheating father.
Writing this one has made me realize a few things. I realized that I may need to get multiple jobs just in case I kick my father out. That PNoy would only disappoint me. I shouldn’t be too hard on my self—I shouldn’t think a lot. I don’t know if it is healthy to think a lot or think less or if there are other people who think as much as I think. That I could be mentally ill—or not, though I’ve described my self as such in the past. That I should seek therapy—for the heck of it—I find writing and computer games therapeutic.

1 comment:

  1. Mentally ill... you already are.. I love the way you write. Pag freelance writer nalang. :)


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